A Kidz Guide to the Weird Things Grown Ups Say
My mom and dad are always telling me they know what it’s like being a kid because they were kids too. I’m not sure if I believe them because my mom and dad do really weird things, wear really weird things, and say really weird things. To show you why grown ups are weird, I’ve made a list of weird things my weird parents like to say all the time…
1. "If you need something, let me know." Sounds normal, I know. But, my parents get angry when I need something. It usually happens when they are in the bathroom or on the phone. I can’t help that I need a glass of milk moments after they have sat down on the toilet or have gotten in the shower. I think it’s weird they get so upset when I stick my fingers under the bathroom door to let them know I need a glass of milk now. Weird.
2. “It will put hair on your chest.” That is a famous Dad quote. He says it all the time! When I don’t want to eat something that looks gross, he will say, “It will put hair on your chest.” When I don’t want to help with a chore around the house, he will say, “It will put hair on your chest.” When I was learning how to ride my bike, I fell a lot. When I fell, he would laugh and say, “You will have hair on your chest in no time!” Who wants hair on their chest? See what I mean so far? Weird.
3. Another famous family quote that was handed down from my grandpa is this, “You must have ants in your pants.” What? By no means do I have ants in my pants. And, if I did, I would change them. Seriously, who gets ants in their pants and leaves them there?
4. “The Cat’s Meow” is another phrase uttered by my weird parents. It is usually combined with something like, “That ol’ truck is the cat’s meow.” “That pizza place is the cat’s meow." Or, “She just thinks she is the cat’s meow.” What does that mean? I always thought a cat’s meow was just a cat’s meow…it’s how cats talk. So, does that mean some lady thinks she’s like the way a cat talks? Because that’s weird and it makes no sense. It’s like me thinking I am just like English. Doesn’t make sense. Weird.
5. “The early bird gets the worm.” That dreadful phrase happily rings out of my mom’s mouth every morning before school. I have asked her what it means, she just smiles. Smiles! She must not realize I don’t like it when people smile in the morning. Besides, I’m not a bird and I hate worms. Weird.
6. I always know when I've been playing a video game or watching television for too long. Because my mom or dad will tell me, “Back in my day, we had this thing called ‘outside’.” Okay, so I’m not as old as them, but I think we still have it. Weird.
7. I was sitting on the front porch with Dad. It was one of those days I had a lot of questions to ask him. He seemed to have an answer for everything. I was impressed. Then I asked him, “Dad, do you know everything?” He just shook his head, “No, but your mother does.” His answer did not surprise me at all because she loves to say, “Mother knows best.” Best what? Weird.
8. There are two things my parents always say that seem to cancel the other one out. “Honesty is the best policy.” And, “If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” I don’t know if I will ever understand these two phrases. And, I'm not sure if I can even say anything about it. Weird.
9. “What did I tell you?” That question is 100% of the time asked in a low, angry voice while we are at the store, the restaurant, church, or out in public in general. They have told me all kinds of things over the years. How am I supposed to remember everything they have ever said to me? Weird.
10. I wish I had a dollar every time I hear my parents say, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” I know that. But, they have credit cards and a checkbook which clearly means they have money. They just don’t want to spend it on “silly“ stuff. When I’m a grown up, I will use my credit card and checkbook every day so I can buy all the “silly” stuff I want whenever I want! Weird.
Apparently it has taken me a bit too long to make my list…I’m being sent to this place called, “outside.” More lists to come!